Deserving

Buckle up folks, this one might get a little heavy.

My counselor gave me an assignment a while back regarding relationships - what do I want from one and what can I give to one?  And like a dutiful student I spent a few hasty minutes putting together what basically amounted to a page of tumblr-esque quotes and vagueries about what I want... but nothing about what I could give.  Don't get me wrong, I know I can be a good girlfriend... mostly... but currently I do not believe I deserve to be in a relationship at all.

That may seem a bit severe, especially coming from me since I'm not known for severity, but I can explain.  You see, I had an amazing relationship.  The best ever, in fact.  She kept me grounded, made me laugh harder than anyone I had ever met, and was one of the most fascinating and admirable individuals I know.  But because I was not being honest with myself regarding my dissatisfaction with other aspects of my life, I became distant, and then distracted, and I ended up taking her for granted.

Like a kitten on speed in a room full of mirrors and laser pointers, I became adept at ignoring reality and focusing on everything that was not real and did not matter.  I made mistakes and poor choices and I have to live with the fact that I ruined something beautiful.

So while I every so often download the tinder app on my phone... I always end up deleting it within 24 hours. I know I'm not ready to try again, and even if I was I would most likely end up comparing anyone else to her, and everyone would be a distant second.

So now, I'm 37 and living in my mother's basement.  Again.  But this time I want to get it right.  I want to make myself into the kind of person that could deserve someone like her. So I am going to table the idea of dating until I know I can be the best girlfriend possible.  Someone steady, responsible, and clear headed who knows who she is and is firm in her convictions.  Someone I would be proud to know, and prouder to be.