Grief and the loss of my angel dog

How do I do this?  How do I grieve for someone that should still be here?  Too young to be so sick, too small to be in so much pain.  I know I did the right thing - she wasn't there at the end.  She became groggy, disoriented, basically limp.  I had to check her frequently to make sure she was still breathing.  She was vomiting, unable to eat or drink, unable to walk, and just slept.  It happened so quickly it seemed, although she had been battling kidney disease for years... I did what I could, I did more than most people would, and I still don't think I did enough.  I find ways to blame myself for not spending more time with her, not getting more pictures or videos of her.  Not giving her more attention.  I loved her with every fiber of my being and I know I will never find another dog like her.  She wasn't just a dog to me.  She was my child, my soulmate, my best friend, my little furry angel.  Her entrance into my life was unexpected and perfectly timed.  She saw me through one of my worst break ups, countless jobs, another breakup, 4 moves, and crippling depression.

It feels strange and foreign.  There are noises missing - the sound of her snoring, her collar, her footfalls.  The scrabbling sound she made climbing the stairs into my bed.  I held her oldest toy (a very ratty kitten head with no stuffing) most of the night because it still smelled like her.  I've moved her beds into the main room and out of my bedroom.  I can't look at them right now but I don't want to get rid of them.  I don't want to get rid of anything.  I want to hold onto every piece of her for as long as I can.

I keep wondering if I should try and cry myself out or if I should distract myself.  I'm alternating between the two currently.  I cry for a while and when I feel dry, I try to watch funny youtube videos.  It feels wrong to laugh.  My voice sounds wrong.  Everything feels wrong.  I reach out to touch her and she's not there.  I want to call her name but I know she won't come.

I try and remember her as she was in the beginning, a crazy, stubborn little shit of a dog who had a far deeper bark than you would expect and was always the alpha of any other dogs she came across.  She was leary of strangers, tended to run away when it rained, and demanded treats and attention like a tiny little dictator.  She looked like a precious moments doll crossed with Falcor the luck dragon from the Neverending Story, but definitely had some sass and was not your typical lap dog.

The last few months she kept losing weight, no matter how much we tried to entice her with food.  She lost 3 pounds (her lowest weight was 6lbs) and she resembled a before image of an animal nelect case.  Her legs lost their muscle, her hair stopped growing as quickly, and she became more and more lethargic.  The last few days were the worst.  Friday she seemed okay, but Saturday she began throwing up and could not stop.  She threw up 10 times within a 24 hour period and she had not eaten very much the day before.  The last times she threw up she seemed to become even more limp and lethargic and had another seizure (these were happening more frequently as well).  Sunday, she seemed ... completely gone.  Her eyes no longer had their lively sparkle and she could barely focus on anything or anyone.  She would not eat or drink and barely moved.  She didn't react to her name and basically faded inch by inch as I watched.  I had my ex come over (she had been her other mom for 6 years and I wanted her to be able to say goodbye) and I left a message for my veterinarian.
 
The next day there was no real change.  The vet called back and I basically said "I don't need a evaluation appointment, I need to put her down - I can't do this to her anymore".  I set it up for Tuesday afternoon and arranged to have Tuesday and Wednesday off of work.  My mom called me Monday afternoon because I was running late from work and said "come home, now"  Sheeba had started throwing up again and was now throwing up blood.  I hurried home and carried her to the car, weeping openly at the frail wreck my little feisty baby had become.  She got worse by the minute and I have the distinct feeling she would have died at home if we hadn't taken her to the vet.  However, I hated to make her suffer a second longer than necessary.  Dr. Michelle gave her a sedative and after I had kissed her a few more times and told her she was the best girl and that she did not have to fight anymore, they injected her and she passed away almost instantly.

It is impossible to put into words how much she did for me.  She saved my life when I was at my lowest, she made me smile, gave me joy, companionship, and comfort in the darkest of times.  She understood me in a way no one else could have.  She was my best friend and has left a hole in my heart that aches every moment.  What is comforting me is knowing that I did what was best for her, no matter how much it hurts me.

She deserved so much more than I could have ever given her and I wish she could have understood how grateful I was for her presence in my life for 8 years (a long time but not long enough - never long enough).  I told her every day that I loved her and she showed me she loved me too, but it will never feel like it was enough.

If my love could have kept her alive, she would have been immortal.

Story Time...

I know I said I was going to write a blog about racism, and I will, but first I want to tell another story.

This is not about me (and about two sentences is, you'll realize it couldn't POSSIBLY be) and I was inspired by a Twitter thread about Women in Science/Tech which made me recall a convo I had recently with an amazing woman.  So here, to the best of my ability to share it, is her story.

Once upon a time there was a little girl.  She was middle of three children born to first generation German immigrants.  Her sister, the eldest, excelled in crafting and is an amazing seamstress.  Her brother, the youngest, excelled at tech, and is highly respected in his field.  The middle daughter discovered early on that she had an aptitude and passion for mechanics.  Her father began to impart his vast knowledge to her and she soaked it up like a sponge.  While part of her mechanical passion revealed itself in clock/watch repair, the main outlet for her skills became bicycles.  By the age of 11, she was collecting and repairing orphaned bicycles during the long Chicago winter and selling them from her driveway in the summer.  Many people were impressed by her abilities, but she faced bullying from people who did not think it was 'right' or 'proper' for a girl to be so interested in a predominantly 'masculine' discipline and that she should focus her energies on other, more feminine interests.  Even her family (a particularly difficult aunt, specifically) railed on her and criticized her parents for encouraging her.  Thankfully her mother told said aunt to 'get bent' or something to that general effect (I am paraphrasing of course - good German ladies do not say 'get bent').

Fast forward many years and this highly intelligent and motivated woman opened up a bicycle shop in the city she had moved to.  Over the past 9 years (the shop opened in 2008) she has moved locations 4 times (due to landlords/location) and each shop has gotten bigger and/or more professional.  People still don't always realize that she is the owner and lead mechanic, but she doesn't necessarily mind.  It's still rare to have a female mechanic of any sort, and a female business owner is liable to face discrimination and harassment.  However, word of mouth travels, and other bicycle shops in town will now send customers to her if the repair is complicated or requires more than just changing out parts.  She will work on any age of bicycle, the older the better (as they were typically built with higher quality and will last much longer than new bikes).  She has had customers come to her shop from other states, because she will work on their foreign or vintage bicycle.

She is definitely not your average woman, and that makes her exceptional in my mind.  She did not back down - from bullies, from her family, from societal conventions, and has become the master of her trade.  She is an example to women (and men) who operate outside the status quo that when you follow your passion, you can achieve so much more than you or anyone else can imagine.