Illness, Injury and Insanity (plus Depression)

It is slight disconcerting that my last post was in March - but I am going to do my best not to beat myself up about it.  It's something that is so easy and automatic to do - we are our toughest critics but we get a lot of help from others with putting ourselves down.

I had pneumonia, and injured myself a couple of times, but the real issue I've been fighting is my ever present depression. It seems to be getting more and more prevalent with every passing day and I'm running out of ideas to fight it.  It's affecting my motivation (which wasn't that great to begin with) and my energy and desire to do anything (even things I used to enjoy) is vanishing.

I think that when most people think of clinical depression, they think it is sadness, most likely brought on by specific events coupled with sleeping and crying a lot. My depression is not quite that simple, and yet... might be easy to explain.

Imagine waking up every single day in a pitch black room. It is never the same size or shape and there is no furniture whatsoever. You have to stumble around and try and locate the door in order to exit the room and interact with society in a semi-normal way. Unfortunately the room can be as small as a coat closet or as big as a sports stadium. Sometimes the door is open a crack and you can see a sliver of light guiding you out. Sometimes the walls are thin enough that you can punch a hole through even if the door is locked. Sometimes the key is hanging above the door, or you find a window, or someone is on the other side and can open the door for you. However... sometimes the door is locked tight or even non-existent, and the walls might be impenetrable concrete with not a window to be found.

So every day you have to try and get out of the room. It can be easy, difficult, or even completely impossible, and by the time you get out you have already expended a chunk of energy that most other people take for granted. And those days when you can't escape because you don't have the energy or the ability?  Those days are the hardest - you end up staying in the room all day. You can still handle the most basic of things as far as eating (usually random garbage) and normal bodily functions, but everything else is seems far too difficult including interacting with people.

Now imagine that the room in question is your own mind and that every day you fight against your own mentality to function like a 'normal' human. Imagine that you do that every. single. day. And even on the good days, even on the BEST days, you know that you will wake up tomorrow in the same room and you may not be able to get out. Like Groundhog Day but with a lot less humor (and no Bill Murray, which would make the experience so much more fun).

It's worse when I'm single, because the walls start to whisper to me that it isn't worth leaving the room. That there is no one on the other side of the door who wants me to come out. And even though I know I have friends and family, it just feels so pointless to expend all this energy only to end up in the same place over and over and over again. But I try. Every morning, every day, I try. I keep pushing forward to try and exit the room. Because I have hope. Buried deep and slightly fading, but I still have hope.

Deserving

Buckle up folks, this one might get a little heavy.

My counselor gave me an assignment a while back regarding relationships - what do I want from one and what can I give to one?  And like a dutiful student I spent a few hasty minutes putting together what basically amounted to a page of tumblr-esque quotes and vagueries about what I want... but nothing about what I could give.  Don't get me wrong, I know I can be a good girlfriend... mostly... but currently I do not believe I deserve to be in a relationship at all.

That may seem a bit severe, especially coming from me since I'm not known for severity, but I can explain.  You see, I had an amazing relationship.  The best ever, in fact.  She kept me grounded, made me laugh harder than anyone I had ever met, and was one of the most fascinating and admirable individuals I know.  But because I was not being honest with myself regarding my dissatisfaction with other aspects of my life, I became distant, and then distracted, and I ended up taking her for granted.

Like a kitten on speed in a room full of mirrors and laser pointers, I became adept at ignoring reality and focusing on everything that was not real and did not matter.  I made mistakes and poor choices and I have to live with the fact that I ruined something beautiful.

So while I every so often download the tinder app on my phone... I always end up deleting it within 24 hours. I know I'm not ready to try again, and even if I was I would most likely end up comparing anyone else to her, and everyone would be a distant second.

So now, I'm 37 and living in my mother's basement.  Again.  But this time I want to get it right.  I want to make myself into the kind of person that could deserve someone like her. So I am going to table the idea of dating until I know I can be the best girlfriend possible.  Someone steady, responsible, and clear headed who knows who she is and is firm in her convictions.  Someone I would be proud to know, and prouder to be.

#RelationshipGoals

This is a project that my counselor suggested.  A list of what I want out of a [romantic] relationship AND what I can offer in a [romantic] relationship.  The what I want is kind of easy, just because I've been saving pictures on my phone whenever I come across something profound.  The second part is going to be more difficult and I will definitely need to cogitate on it.

Here is part one - what I am hoping for in a relationship (if I ever find someone crazy enough to take on all of my... awesomeness... again)

Loss of Faith / Politics

I have been fairly vocal on social media about politics as of late - much to the consternation of certain family and friends.  I realize that there is a lot of chatter and shouting and information overload, most of which is slanted very strongly for one side or the other, and it is hard to tell the truth from the... other truth... from the alternative facts... from the... all of it.  

That being said, I am not going to be silent.  I will try and be more deliberate in my choice of words, but I will not put my head in the sand and just accept things that are happening.  I should not have to.  NO ONE should have to accept what they firmly believe to be wrong.  Turning your head away from injustice is allowing it to continue.

People are angry because they are scared and people are scared because the world has gone dark and evil and it feels like no one is doing anything about it.  The media is trying to scare us by feeding us too much information without actually telling us the truth.  

My mother has been calm and quiet throughout this - she is unhappy with what is happening but believes that 'God has a plan'.  I envy her that unshakable faith as it must be comforting when the world seems to be falling apart all around us.  

I realized that I am struggling the most because I do not have that kind of faith.  I had put my faith in the inherent goodness of people - and my faith has been shaken to the core.  I still want to believe that the majority of people are good and kind and generous, but it becomes more and more difficult as the days go on to find that spark of belief.

So I will BE that person.  I will be good, kind, and generous.  I will be strong, and brave, and outspoken.  I will be a safe space for those who need it, a defender for those who are afraid, and a light in the overwhelming darkness.  I will do what I can, for even though I am only one person, I am one person who can make a difference in this world.

Preview

Something that has been on my mind.  All these are from Merriam Webster

Resentment:

A feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury

A feeling of anger or displeasure about someone or something unfair

A feeling of angry displeasure at a real or imagined wrong, insult, or injury

Envy

A painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with a desire to possess the same advantage

Jealousy

A jealous disposition, attitude, or feeling

An unhappy or angry feeling of wanting to have what someone else has

A feeling of unhappiness caused by wanting what someone else has

An unhappy or angry feeling caused by the belief that someone you love (such as your husband or wife) likes or is liked by someone else

A feeling of unhappiness and anger caused by a belief that a loved one might be unfaithful

Depending on who you ask, jealousy and envy are either exact synonyms, totally different words, or near-synonyms with some degree of semantic overlap and some differences. It is difficult to make the case, based on the evidence of usage that we have, for either of the first two possibilities. Both jealousy and envy are often used to indicate that a person is covetous of something that someone else has, but jealousy carries the particular sense of “zealous vigilance” and tends to be applied more exclusively to feelings of protectiveness regarding one’s own advantages or attachments. In the domain of romance, it is more commonly found than envy. If you were to say “your salt-shaker collection fills me with jealousy,” most people would take it to mean much the same thing as “your salt-shaker collection fills me with envy.” But if someone made a flirtatious comment to your partner, you would likely say that it caused you jealousy, not envy.

#BlogGoals

Sorry not sorry for the hashtag.  It seemed fitting since this post is going to be quick.

I'm starting this blog as a kind of therapeutic sounding board and I make no promises to be consistent with either schedule or content.  

I may post poetry or prose, I might review a movie, or a product.  I might talk about something wonderful or rant about an emotional meltdown.  It really all depends on the day and my mood.  

I want to work on being truthful with myself and accepting what I need without trying to meet some sort of unrealistic expectations.

That's all I wanted to say.  I'm going to keep it short and sweet.  Just like me.  :)

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a strange concept, isn't it?  Webster's dictionary defines it as to stop feeling anger toward (someone who has done something wrong) : to stop blaming (someone) : to stop feeling anger about (something) : to forgive someone for (something wrong) : to stop requiring payment of (money that is owed).  Most people think of forgiveness in a religious context - to err is human, to forgive "divine" - but it is not that limited.

To try and forgive someone who has hurt you can be infuriating.  You may feel that they do not deserve forgiveness especially if they have not apologized or indicated that they feel remorse in any way.  Forgiveness can seem like an impossibility and in some cases, it truly is.  There are some things, some heinous acts, that are truly unforgivable and I'm not suggesting that forgiveness is a must in those cases.  However, one thing I have noticed in regards to forgiving people is that it can lessen their power over your emotions.  

So many times the anger and hurt and frustration can feel like it is all-consuming and slowly poisoning you from the inside out.  Forgiving someone can nullify that poison effectively.  Forgiving someone does not need to be done for their sake, nor does it mean that they are allowed back in your life in the same way.  Forgiving someone does not automatically make what they have done 'okay'.  It means that you are no longer allowing them to have power over you and your life and are allowing yourself to move on.

But what about forgiving ourselves?  Is that easier or harder to do?  When we think we have failed at doing something we become our own worst and harshest critics.  New Years especially is a time when we make resolutions for ourselves and many people tend to give up after the first couple of months if they stumble.  But we can and should forgive our stumbling, our mistakes and foibles, and yes, even our failures.  We are only human after all, and we forgive others for minor infractions far more easily than we forgive ourselves.

I challenge you to forgive someone today, even (or especially) if it is yourself.  You might be surprised at how much lighter you feel after doing so.