Confidence (AKA my anxiety lies to me)

I play a really good game of being super confident and self-assured... and for the most part I am.  I am confident in who I am as a person and confident in my abilities.  I know I am smart, I know I'm good at dealing with dogs, navigating Microsoft office, and making people laugh.  I know that I have some musical ability and can write fairly well.  I know that I am good at customer service, moving heavy things and organization.  I am also generous and am fairly adept at buying/giving people gifts.

That being said... I struggle with knowing my worth when it comes to relationships with others.  I always worry that people only remain friends with me because I am useful to them in some way or because I buy them things.  I feel like I am very easily replaced and as soon as my usefulness has run out I will be cast aside like garbage.  And while I logically know that part of this is due to my depression / anxiety and some of it has to do with societal nonsense... I can't deny that this sort of thing HAS happened to me both in relationships and in friendships.

Being able to trust someone enough to feel safe and comfortable with them happens rarely and when I find someone like that I tend to subconsciously call 'dibs' on them.  Which means that the idea that they could / would / will replace me at some point is so much more terrifying and ultimately expected.  It is a tight rope between wanting to cling to someone so they can't or won't leave me and wanting to push them away because I figure they will leave me anyway.  It's a messed up balancing act where neither side makes a lot of sense so my behavior can seem erratic and weird.

I keep telling myself that I have worth, that people like me, that I have friends who have stayed in my life without me needing to bribe them... but it is difficult to keep up one side of the argument for too long.  I try to drown out the fear and insecurity with loud noises / video games / music / etc... but it keeps coming back again and again.  Positive affirmations help, but only so much.

The struggle continues.